If you like laughing at my expense, I hope that you enjoy this blog.
If you have an extremely weak stomach, this may be one to skip.
Since early on, Riley and I have gone out on errand runs together, giving Joan a little break from his constant needs.
This Saturday figured to be no different.
After doing the yard, we headed off to Home Depot for a man morning, shopping for air filters and bird seed.
Standard issue equipment for such a trip is a diaper bag and the Baby Bjorn.
We arrived safely at the nice new HD in Broussard and got to shopping.
Once I located the air filters, we made our way to the garden center. He was smiling and looking around, getting everyone's attention, as usual.
Also not out of the ordinary was the tensing of his abs and rumble in his diaper that I felt. Despite sounding like quite a large contribution, we were closer to the bird seed than the bathrooms, so I figured I'd change him on the way out. That's when the normalcy ended.
30 seconds later, we're standing in front of the bird seed when I feel another tensing, followed by a very large diaper rumble.
Something told me to look down, where i saw a raging torrent of baby poo running down his leg and onto my shirt/shorts/leg.(and remember, because of the Colic Calm, his doodie is black)
I was still half a mile from the bathroom and knew immediate action must be taken.
I reached into the diaper bag for the changing pad, which I could not find (it was at the bottom of the bag and, itself, felt like the bottom of the bag.)
Niag-poo falls was still raging, but I knew the wire outdoor shelves would not be a great changing surface. My inner MacGyver took over and I quickly located a large piece of cardboard that I threw onto the closest shelf.
I opened up the baby bjorn and all of the contents that had pooled at the bottom ran down the inside flap, rendering it entirely contaminated and useless.
I then proceeded to strip the kid completely naked and change his diaper/clothes/sock right in the middle of the Home Depot Garden section, all with baby poo still slowly running down my own leg.
Passing shoppers and employees had their fair share of laughs at my predicament.
It was like the poo was reproducing and multiplying. It was everywhere.
By the time I had him changed, and used nearly a whole pack of wipes to clean him, the white cardboard that he was laying on looked like a really bad abstract painting.
Fortunately, we had some plastic bags in the diaper bag and I was able to pack away the biohazardous waste and somewhat decontaminate my hands, clothes and his whole lower half.
Being a courteous person, I brought the cardboard with me to the register, to dispose of in the nearest can.
Obviously, I still looked fairly composed, because the cashier decided it was time to be chatty, even after I said, "Do you have a place where I can thrown this away, my baby crapped all over it."
The worst part was that I forgot about the crap on my leg until I was driving home.
We then got home where I changed and then he spit up on me. The little rat was determined to ruin all of my clothes.
Now, in my third outfit of the day, I was sure things would be cleaner.
Later in the evening, the three of us went to Target. The Bjorn had been cleaned, dried and put back into service.
Near the meat section i felt ab tightening, and, still being a little shell shocked, got worried. As we approached the bread, my worry paid off. Tightening and rumbling told me not to look down but to just head to the bathroom, where I saw a creeping pool of black funk defying gravity and climbing up his back.
Twice in a day. Not my idea of a relaxing weekend.
On Sunday, it didn't happen again, but every time I felt him tighten up, I got paranoid. My paranoia did lead me to discover that Babies R Us, a store devoted entirely to BABIES, who are known for using DIAPERS, does not have a changing table in the men's bathroom, unlike every other store in the world.
There is a changing table in the "Mommies Room" which is designed for nursing. Good thing there were no hungry babies there today, because I was getting him to a changing table, exposed stranger boobs or not.
Fortunately for you, there are no pics to accompany my story today, but here's one of him looking sly, just for the heck of it.